Cranky Aussie|A better class of whinging…

I often like to sit and watch the news so I can keep up with what’s happening in the world. Sometimes I learn something educational and sometimes I want to put my head in a blender and switch it to Frappe.

This is one of those times.

The Australian Government has decided to save binge drinking teenage girls by raising the price on “Alcopops“. Alcopops, for those that are wondering, stands for pre-mix drinks like Bacardi Breezers and such.

The thinking behind this marvelous piece of societal crap is that teenage girls won’t be able to afford to buy these “Alcopops” and will therefore stop drinking and go on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

At this point I would like to warn our younger and/or more impressionable readers that there may be some profanity on the next line.

BULLSHIT!!

Ah, much better. Now, unlike politicians I live in a place I like to call REALITY. Anyone who has spent more than fifteen seconds with a teenager, or even possibly been one themselves in the deep distant past, will know they are not idiots.

Mostly.

If they can’t afford to buy these drinks then they will simply switch to cheap wine and beer like the rest of us did when we were their age.

Ah yes, I have fond partial memories of spending many a Friday night, Saturday, Saturday Night, Sunday getting hammered on beer and goon (look it up), though not necessarily at the same time. That was saved for special occasions.

Remember Passion Pop? I do, I even have some memories of actually drinking it. Passion Pop, for the uninitiated, is an extremely cheap wine that has the uncanny ability to effect the drinker from the ground up. You can sit and drink for hours, just so long as you don’t try to do something silly like drive, operate heavy machinery or stand up. It is evil tasting crap but you didn’t drink it for the taste, you drank it to get cataclysmicly drunk.

This is what today’s youth are doing with these Alcopops, they might taste sweet and have the extra function of being something pretty to look at after losing the ability to speak in coherent sentences, but the basic intention of drinking them is to get drunk. You take them away and kids will drink something else.

“Okay,” I hear you say, “But what does this have to do with you?”

Well I’ll tell you, if you would be so kind as to stop interrupting.

I have been known to have the occasional tipple and my drink of choice is Johnny Walker and Cola. This is not the choice of your average teen single-mother-to-be yet the cost of my drink will also increase.

Why?

Am I a binge drinker? Not as far as you know, yet I must suffer so someone in the federal government can say they’re doing something to address the problem of teenage binge drinking.

Sure, I could buy Scotch by the bottle and make my own drinks but nothing beats the convenience of NOT NEEDING TOO.

But what choice do I have now? The price will go up whether I like it or not which means my simple pleasures will cost even more than they do now.

But wait, there’s more.

Anti-smoking groups, not happy enough with being able to fine people for smoking, are now demanding the same tax to be imposed on cigarettes. It’s a filthy, disgusting habit that offends many in the community yet they still insist that people stop smoking.

This is a free society, I should be able to kill myself in the slowest, most pleasurable way possible without some loony jumping up and down and demanding I pay extra for the privilege.

Why must we continually be harrased by wankers who seem to feel it’s their God given duty to tell us how to live our lives?

Honestly, it’s enough to drive a man too drink. Now where did I put that case of Passion Pop?

As Australia stumbles headlong into another election the plight of the Federal Liberals seems to go from bad to worse.

With an opinion rating lower than Lindy Chamberlain in the early eighties, John “Don’t ask me, I’m just the Prime Minister” Howard is currently wondering if it’s just him, or does the Australian public hate all Liberals.

It’s a dark time indeed for poor Johnny. He has a country to run and being less popular than a pair of budgie smugglers on The Biggest Loser is not helping. But not to worry because his good mate, Treasurer Peter “Keating is my role model” Costello is here to help.

By telling the Australian public that John Howard is an utter… utter… utter bastard.

Yes, he’s still upset that John didn’t give him the top job after one and half terms in office. And there’s a good reason for this.

Look, I think maybe I should talk to Peter privately about this. Could the rest of you just busy yourselves with other things until we’re done?

Okay, Peter me old china, mate, buddy… no one likes you. Now don’t go getting upset, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that you come across as this smarmy, arrogant guy that no one likes being in the same hemisphere with.

Don’t get me wrong, we think you’re doing a great job as treasurer, keeping us in the black and all, making sure the jobless rate doesn’t get out of hand, keeping interest rates down… actually we won’t go into that one. But all told you’re doing a marvellous job.

But we still don’t like you. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. And to be honest we would rather have John in the top job than you. Actually we would rather have Rudd than you, and Gillard, and Beasley, and you know that Doctor they got locked away for talking to terrorists? Yup, him too.

In fact, of the twenty-one million Australians that are available you would probably come in around 20,999,990th, just above Ivan Milat. Now excuse me while I talk to the rest of the folks.

Now where was I? Right, Peter Costello for PM just doesn’t have the same ring to it as say, Die Westerner Scum or This Bathroom is Closed. But hey, is John Howard any better?

According to his wife, Janette, Howard had a habit of promising things to people and then reneging on the deal. He was only looking out for the one that mattered most… himself.

Now you can believe John or you can believe Peter, the choice is really up to you. But come November when this nation goes to the polls we will find out the one great truth of this Howard versus Costello debate.

Does anyone really care?