As Australia stumbles headlong into another election the plight of the Federal Liberals seems to go from bad to worse.

With an opinion rating lower than Lindy Chamberlain in the early eighties, John “Don’t ask me, I’m just the Prime Minister” Howard is currently wondering if it’s just him, or does the Australian public hate all Liberals.

It’s a dark time indeed for poor Johnny. He has a country to run and being less popular than a pair of budgie smugglers on The Biggest Loser is not helping. But not to worry because his good mate, Treasurer Peter “Keating is my role model” Costello is here to help.

By telling the Australian public that John Howard is an utter… utter… utter bastard.

Yes, he’s still upset that John didn’t give him the top job after one and half terms in office. And there’s a good reason for this.

Look, I think maybe I should talk to Peter privately about this. Could the rest of you just busy yourselves with other things until we’re done?

Okay, Peter me old china, mate, buddy… no one likes you. Now don’t go getting upset, it’s nothing personal. It’s just that you come across as this smarmy, arrogant guy that no one likes being in the same hemisphere with.

Don’t get me wrong, we think you’re doing a great job as treasurer, keeping us in the black and all, making sure the jobless rate doesn’t get out of hand, keeping interest rates down… actually we won’t go into that one. But all told you’re doing a marvellous job.

But we still don’t like you. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth. And to be honest we would rather have John in the top job than you. Actually we would rather have Rudd than you, and Gillard, and Beasley, and you know that Doctor they got locked away for talking to terrorists? Yup, him too.

In fact, of the twenty-one million Australians that are available you would probably come in around 20,999,990th, just above Ivan Milat. Now excuse me while I talk to the rest of the folks.

Now where was I? Right, Peter Costello for PM just doesn’t have the same ring to it as say, Die Westerner Scum or This Bathroom is Closed. But hey, is John Howard any better?

According to his wife, Janette, Howard had a habit of promising things to people and then reneging on the deal. He was only looking out for the one that mattered most… himself.

Now you can believe John or you can believe Peter, the choice is really up to you. But come November when this nation goes to the polls we will find out the one great truth of this Howard versus Costello debate.

Does anyone really care?

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